Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Letting Go

One of the foremost goals for myself is to live my life in the way God intended it. That being said, I'm not really sure what that means. I mean, it sounds good. It sounds so gentle and so deep and so thoughtful. Yeah, maybe..... Mostly it means that I am trying to let go more and trying to just let things happen. In a very 12-step kind of way, I suppose. Except I tried the 12-step thing before, and I'm not particularly good at it. I tried in terms of eating, which I like to do and probably do way too much of. But how do you Let Go and Let God determine if you eat the bread or not? I never got it. So now I'm trying it again, but in terms of oh, let's just say, just about everything.

I'm a reactor. Nuclear sometimes. I have a non-existent level of patience, I interrupt others all the time (ask SH......he'll tell you all about it, except I'll probably jump in there to tell you first), I have a lightening-fast temper and I jump to conclusions. Usually, not the accurate one. So I'm working on letting go. I'm working on counting to 5.....but let's face it....I rarely get to 3. I'm getting better and better at this when SH is not home. He's not home often because he travels for his job and is gone 3-4 days a week. I'm really good at taking a moment to pause, reflect and speak before inserting my foot.....when we are on the phone. I'm really--NO REALLY--bad at doing this when we are in the same room together. I tend to get pretty wound up quickly when the energy is in the room. I think that it is such an issue in my relationship with SH right now because God is trying, begging, pleading and forcing me to look at how destructive that personality trait truly is. It is a lesson in faith I'm telling you. Do I have enough faith that if I just shut up for a few moments, I'll still get what I need? Do I have enough faith that my needs will be met? Do I have enough faith that I will be nurtured? Do I have enough faith that even if it is not my way, it is still The Way? I am really bothered by that notion. That I don't have enough faith to carry me through. Because if I don't have enough faith, how do I teach the boys about it? If I don't have enough faith now, what is in store for all eternity for me?

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